My World, Your World
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| image credit-randy-scott, Unsplash |
Are you an interesting person? Consider yourself an "Important" person? An influential person? Do you have any influence over people you don't know? Assuming you're not a CEO, someone in charge of others, a rock star, politician, policy maker, doctor, scientist, inventor or some kind of celebrity the answer is probably no. How about people that you do know, like friends, family co-workers, acquaintances, are you influential with them? The answer is probably varied with that one, sometimes, sometimes not, it all depends. Why is it that some people have greater influence on others, while some don't? Why is it some people can sell ice to an Eskimo and some couldn't sell water in the Sahara? Why is it some people have far reaching influence over complete strangers yet only your dog will listen to you? Before you get all upset and think this is an article about social manipulation or how to gain power and influence over others for your selfish bidding, this is not. The influence I'm talking about here is about being rightfully recognized as a human being with value, able to form meaningful connections with others in a mutual beneficial way that enhances not only your life but that of others. The questions I pose above have fascinated me because in my own personal life I have not been as successful as I would like to have been in connecting with others since I believe I have something to offer that could enhance peoples lives in the same way I'm enhanced by theirs. I'm also fascinated as to why some people without seemingly any talent, like some celebrities and other highly recognizable people have great influence on our lives but ordinary people many with amazing skills, jobs, are barely noticed? It's amazing isn't it, that someone who can kick a ball skillfully, let' say a world famous soccer player, earns millions and will be admired as he or she flies around in their private jet, yet not one us could name a heart transplant surgeon...(Including myself) On a personal (full disclosure) selfish note, I'm curious as to why I could design the greatest thing on earth and never get recognized but mediocre creations done by supposed noted designers are heaped praise upon? (My Next article: So you want join the Fame and Fortune club?)
Let's look at how this all might work and why. First we need to establish a general baseline that is common to all of us. Those of us who live in a free and democratic society (and even those of us who don't) have the ability to think for ourselves (this may be more difficult or impossible in certain regimes, I know) and to choose what we want to consume. We formulate our own ideas and opinions take a position on just about everything and have an opinion on everything. We decide for ourselves what movies we watch, what food we eat, how we spend our free time, what job, career profession we choose to do etc. Of course this is all in theory because the forces of social, institutional, corporate, government, geography, do largely influence our every move but even factoring that all in, the choices, and preferences we make become our own "World Bubble". No one else can ever create your same exact world in the same way that you do, it's uniquely yours. Now I'm not going to discuss the extremely complex ways in which we develop this personal world bubble but let's just assume at any given time in our life we have a construct of the world which is our personal "World Bubble" from which we experience and interact with others in our own way.
Now everything we perceive and experience must filter through this bubble to get into our world. We allow or don't allow information in, we interpret , calculate, judge, use, store, or block what's trying to get into our world, in other words the filter is always shaping, creating, protecting "our World Bubble". Because of these filters and how it shapes our personal world my reality could never be yours, nor yours mine, no matter how hard we try. We can come close to understanding other peoples world but for the most part we have little to no understanding of the majority of other peoples worlds and for the most part they don't even exist for us. A Tsunami kills thousands in Asia, oh dear that's awful, please pass me the bread. A hurricane devastates some far off place, dreadful, what's for dessert, a family loses their home in a fire, heartbreaking, where are we going on vacation? On and on I could go. Sure we can reach out and help others and we do but ultimately these events are not in your world nor do they have anything to do with your world unless they are happening to you or a loved one. Yes we are all part of a larger community and sympathetic to a degree and help as we can but most of us do not have the level of awareness to recognize we are all really one. For this article I'm assuming most of us are not learned guru's but try our best to make it in this confusing world and I will stick to everyone thinking they are separate and insulated from others.
The examples I gave above are pretty serious and one would think they should have profound influence on our lives but really they don't unless they happen directly to us or to a loved one. How about things on a day to day level in the given course of our uneventful day, are we influenced by those around us, do we influence those around us? Directly no, indirectly maybe, but your'e still not adding any life changing outcome to anyone. On a personal interaction level with those you know we really don't care what they have to offer most of the time, oh you golfed your greatest game ever yesterday, how wonderful please don't tell me all about it, you say you had a great time at so and so park, good for you, you found the most awesome restaurant, I'll be sure to check it out, someday, you get the picture. In one ear out the other- I'm not being rude here but we all behave in the same way, we really don't care much for the experiences of others, it's not our experience. Yes I know maybe you tolerate your best friend jabbering for hours about their problems, maybe you will take the advice of your friend and check out that great restaurant or show but for the most part we really don't care and are not much influenced by them, it's just not part of our world and it really doesn't matter to our world.
I finally came to this conclusion after many years of scratching my head and asking the question, "why don't they get it?" Why is it so difficult to engage with people and have them take notice of things I think are spectacular in the same way I appreciate the wonderful things people share with me? It's because, you're just not that interesting, well maybe...All kidding aside you may disagree and believe that people are meaningfully engaged, motivated by one another, and yearn for interaction, more connection, more influence and I would agree, however for the vast majority of people I find this not the case. Connecting with others on a superficial way is rather easy, along with feeding the ego and jockeying for social hierarchy but really connecting with people that changes their life in a meaningful way is a different matter. The filter we have built for ourselves to secure and protect our world bubble does not allow for easy access, nor is it easy to penetrate, so why is it so opaque to most influences but porous and welcoming to total strangers such as celebrities, salespeople, politicians and others who may or may not have our best intentions in mind?
In the case of celebrities or "persons of power", there are 4 reasons, factors, let's say that they posses that filter through very easily into our "World bubble". First these people of fame usually do something that captures our interest, make tons of money, make great movies, sing great songs we repeatedly hear on the radio, etc. Second they have achieved top level success in that thing that they do, so it must follow that they must be very good at what they do which is something we want to achieve or at least be around. Third they seem to pose no threat to us and in fact give the impression they actually care about us; damn that love song was written just for me, they must know exactly how I'm feeling! Fourth we hear, see and learn so much about them that we feel like we know them and they know us even though we have never met. Those factors combined together easily pass through our filter and they are allowed into our world, hence our fascination and curiosity with these seemingly strangers become not strangers. The irony is that this relationship is a one way street, they are strangers and although you may whole heartily embrace these celebrities even want to become their best friend they want none of that with you. However we can learn from this one sided relationship and apply those same factors to our everyday life in connecting with others and possibly get a more meaningful two way relationship.
So in our ordinary life can we apply the same factors that allow celebrities into our life to connect with others in a meaningful relationship rather than live in a fantasy which benefits no one. First we must be interesting in some way. Even if you're not say a heart surgeon or a rock star but work at a sewage plant, you can easily show your enthusiasm for what you do and make it interesting. I recently met a couple and the wife is fork lift operator, I found that to be so cool and interesting and she makes it sound interesting and entertaining with her stories she tells. Second, you must show some level of success or expertise, experience in that which you discuss. Telling someone how they should do something you yourself have not done, or do not do well is a waste of time. Try sticking to what you know and know well. Once you have achieved higher levels of success you can achieve higher levels of influence. It's like that story, don't know if it's true or not of the guy who traded up from a paper clip all the way up to a Ferrari: step by step on this one. Third is no different from above, you must give the impression you care for the other person and give a damn about them. When people sense you really don't care about them you may as well not even exist except as an obstacle in their life. The fourth is probably the toughest at least for me and the one which will determine your level success and influence and that is your exposure, your trademark, your signature, your character and putting it out there in the world. Staying in the shadows, low key, and generally just not promoted in any way will guarantee people will never take you seriously. There is a number five I did not mention above but applies here and piggy backs on this last factor is the more people recognize you the more people will believe in what ever influence you are peddling. So when no one takes anything you say seriously because you have consistently been wrong, or say things that are not factual, have an opinion on everything as if you think you know everything, the less people will believe in you, like wise the opposite is true.
I would like to present a case study that I myself am trying to understand because I really love these people yet I'm not seeing the results they should be getting or the influence they should have. I recently came across this great organization called "Strong Towns". This organization promotes great urban design and ideas that are very beneficial to our society, which could drastically improve our antiquated way of urban design, and transform the landscape of our country (USA) Sounds not to glamorous as you read what I just wrote but yet if you gave them a chance you would no doubt find them amazing. If you go to their YouTube videos, which is how I found them , (through another YT channel) you will see they have a few hundred views on most of their work even after years of being available out there, crickets are chirping there. Compare that to another similar YouTube Channel (where I found Strong Towns through), Not Just Bikes, and they easily receive thousands, millions of views and the content although not as well developed as the Strong Towns are light years more successful and influential. So lets see how Strong Towns does with the factors I described earlier above. First are they interesting? Well yes and no. To me, because I'm in the industry, yes but to most others I would imagine not so. The Not Just Bikes although very similar in content to Strong Towns seems to appeal to many more people, why? The presentation there is the difference. Strong Towns comes across as just another organization doing their thing while NJB is hip, fashionable and catchy with the times. Second has Strong Towns demonstrated the level of success they speak of to influence our society in their endeavor to make the world a better place? Once again their success is not so obvious -They seem to be split on the problem and the solution. Here once again they can learn from Not Just Bikes. When NJB does a video they describe the problem briefly but focus on the solutions by showing something that actually exists (Bike infra-structure in Holland), proof that what they are advocating and trying to get you to do is successful. Strong Towns promotes a way of doing things that currently doesn't exist. It's hard to convince people of success without demonstrating that success in concrete terms. ST does this great segment called, "SID TV" (See It Differently) in which they highlight great planning in various parts of the country and awful planning around the country but apparently this is not enough. Third, how much do they care about their audience? Here too it's not apparent. I believe they care more in a general way than they do on a personal level. If we compare them to Not Just Bikes on this factor, that channel is about one guy on one bike which could be you or I. It's very relatable, what he cares about we all care about and that's caring for me! Strong Towns does on some level through the SID TV segments but the overall sense I get does not connect on a personal level nor speak to how they care about me. If I sense you are not nice chances are I'm not going to like you. Chuck Marohn, the founder of the organization seems pleasant enough and I would happily drink a beer with him (assuming he drinks which I'm guessing he does not-and I personally don't trust anyone who does not drink) but I don't really know what he is personally like. Fourth, your exposure. Once again I go back to Not Just Bikes and the traction they have achieved, which leads to more traction and so fourth. Strong Towns although growing in popularity needs to improve upon their appeal, exposure, marketing and especially their deliverance of their message to gain any substantial influence. I love Strong Towns and this is in no way to detract from them- on the contrary I say these things in the hope that they will one day have the greatest of influence on the development of our towns, neighborhoods, cities and the planet-I support them 100% in that regard, good luck to them.
On a personal level (and ultimately everything no matter how big boils down to a personal level) we must be cognizant that what's interesting in my world may not be in your world. What I find super amazing, anything by Rachmaninoff, may be a snooze fest to you! Understanding we all live in our own world bubbles, we can better decide whose world is worth discovering and whose is not. It's also helpful to know what governs our "world bubble" which is our personal filter, and just casually throwing things at it is not effective. I now approach people in a more thoughtful way and really think about the obstacles that prevent connection and try using the techniques I mentioned above for better success. I have since given up being influenced by celebrities, people of power and other so called influential people because their relationship to me is an illusion: It does not exist for them but only for me. Although I admire and appreciate their work, power, achievements, beyond learning from it, being entertained by it, in reality it's a way one way street with no real long lasting satisfactory return that benefits me beyond fantasy. With that said it's well to understand our influence is weighted- we all have a social status in life, and people will perceive your level of importance based upon I hate to say it, popularity. (wait, am I back in High School?) I, the writer of this article, Lewis Portal, am not known from a hole in a wall hence the popularity of this article shall follow suit. If this same exact article had attached to it the name of say Obama or some other known entity it would be a sensation or at least given much more attention. But that's OK, I'll work on being a positive influence in the world and hopefully a positive influence on those around me.
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Here is a sample of a SID TV segment from Strong Towns. I highly recommend you go to their web site and also watch their videos on YouTube!
